Anthill

Our esteemed magazine, Ant Life, has recently come under scrutiny for supposed claims of ageism. Ant Life stridently refutes these claims. However, in an effort to speak to this discontent, this hour’s story will focus on one of the hill’s older citizens. To be more exact, the oldest one we have.

Stay posted till the end to read the shocking new details regarding the eleven-year-old with the squirt gun. 

Theodore is the oldest ant in the Anthill. He is ten days old and has seen many things in his life. He also has a lot to say. Some might say too much. We tried to boil down the main stuff in the article below. He was a kooky old fart, but maybe some of it might mean something to somebody. 

Theodore was born with the rest of his birthing cycle. He described it as a state of total bliss. “I woke up and then I was like, oh my god I’m alive.”

After birth, Theodore was assigned his work station. He was placed in the infamous gathering division. When asked about whether he knew how dangerous the job was, Theodore replied, “Well back in my day, we weren’t so obsessed with ourselves like we all are now.” I argued with him about that for a while until he forgot what we’d been talking about. However in the course of the argument he did admit that he had in fact, “literally just been born so maybe he hadn’t thought the choice out completely.” 

Theodore does not remember his parents. When I told him that we all shared parents, since we were all born from the queen, he became visibly confused. After that, he was called off on another gathering mission. He was gone for several hours, which allowed me to work on some material that may actually be of interest to the citizens of this Ant hill. 

For instance: did you know there are rumors that a second ant queen has been born recently? Although officials will deny these findings, an inside source tells me that she recently finished devouring her sisters and will soon be departing to create her own, rival, anthill! How will this affect our jobs and food sources? Who knows, since I had to ask this old coot about his life story. 

Theodore returned shortly thereafter, this time he was missing half of his antennae. Apparently, he got into a skirmish with a rollie-pollie over a gumdrop. Theodore managed to scare off the beast, but not without sustaining damage himself. In addition, it turns out that the gumdrop had in reality been a stale bird dropping which had solidified. According to Theodore, his “eyes don’t work like they used to!” 

I told him that didn’t make any sense. We see through light sensors all over our bodies, not our eyes. He told me to “put a can in it.” I was going to say that didn’t make any sense either, but figured it wasn’t worth the effort. 

Since he had returned from a rather fraught gathering experience, I decided to ask him about his experiences in the wild. Theodore told me that several days ago when he was little more than a “larvae,” he and many of his nest mates battled against a millipede. 

“It was a black day amongst the grass you see,” Theodore said with eyes staring both a thousand yards away and at nothing, “I was with the left flank with my two closest buddies, Dale and Hank.” 

Theodore smiled a wistful smile, His pincers gleaming a ruddy hue. “Dale was always quiet; he never liked to talk much.” Yes, I know what quiet means old man. “Hank on the other hand was always chitter chattering about this and that.” 

“Anyway, we were creeping through the bush when I overheard the sergeant whisper that the enemy was up ahead. I was scared beyond what I could believe, but I had my two pals there, so I didn’t want to make a fool of myself in front of them.” 

“Anyway, it had rained the day before, and as we’re walking, a drop comes down from a tulip, and splats onto Dale and Hank.”

“So they died right there behind me and I didn’t even realize. It wasn’t till we got to the millipede that I saw they weren’t behind me anymore!” 

“Anyway, I saw the millipede and I was just like ‘NAHHH’ and ran off into the bushes. I am not really sure what happened to everyone else there but I’m pretty sure they all died terrible, gruesome deaths at the hands of the millipede’s thousand spiky feet. 

At that point I was pretty flabbergasted, “So you’re telling me that the story you decided to tell me was one where you abandoned your entire company to gruesome deaths?” 

Theodore had an insane, proud glint in his eye as he smirked and said, “I most certainly did.” 

“What happened to the millipede?” 

“It forever haunts the grassy field in search of me, the one ant it could not devour.” 

“So when was this again?” 

“About two days ago.” 

I breathed a sigh of relief. It was ancient history. For a second I had actually been afraid this thing could pose an actual threat to the hill. Although if I really think about it, that may have actually been a chance for some real news. 

I asked him if he regretted his actions and he turned away for a long time. He was whispering to himself and jerking his head all around. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, and honestly, he was kind of freaking me out at that point, so I didn’t want to get too close. 

When he turned back around he said he didn’t regret his decision. 

We moved on after that point. Theodore started babbling about conspiracy theories and his low-key racist opinions about aphids that I’m not going to bring up here.  Honestly, I blame myself for asking about his politics in the first place, the conversation had stalled and I was getting desperate. 

But can you really blame me? The guy is three DAYS older than me. At a certain point, it just becomes impossible to relate to somebody who comes from such a different generation than you. 

I asked Theodore what had changed since he was young. He said lots of things. Most of it was the same political drivel that I am still not going to reveal, but there were some interesting tidbits hidden within the detritus. 

For instance, Theodore was born during the great rainy season. He said he was a day old and that the rain lasted an entire day and a half. 

“None of us ever thought it would end,” he said, “I lost many good friends to the water.”

He also talked about the previous Anthill, as he had been born in our queen’s mother’s hive. He had been sent as an expeditionary force. I asked him how it had been different, 

“Everyone was so much younger,” he said, “and over there not everyone called you old or worthless.” Truly, it must have been an extremely strange place. 

Thankfully, it was destroyed by a cat who mistook it for a litter box. 

Theodore said he didn’t like to think about the fall of his home, however, he did say that he swore an oath of vengeance on the cat. He had forgotten the cat’s name or what it looked like, but said “Honestly at this point, I’d be happy as long as I got to see a dead cat before I died.”

Truly an interesting perspective on life. 

As we were wrapping up our interview, a giant BOOM reverberated through the anthill caverns. Everybody stopped and looked around. Then, exploding through the earthen wall, a millipede smashed its thorny head into the anthill. 

The hill erupted into a panic. Inside the cavern, it was just worker ants or other white-collar jobs like my own. All of our warriors were out gathering. All but Theodore. 

I looked over at him. He was our only hope and he knew it. I looked into his old, weathered eyes. He was pretty obviously considering running for it. I wouldn’t have blamed him honestly, a thousand legs is entirely too much to handle. 

But then he turned to me, flashed a sad little smile, and said, “Go kill a cat for me,” and then he raced off to fight the millipede. He screamed an old war song as he raced towards the monster. I couldn’t recognize the tune, so I think it must have been something from the old anthill. 

The millipede ate Theodore immediately, but it seemed like that one tiny ant sated its hunger, and it crept back through the tunnel it had created. Theodore sacrificed his life to protect us. Maybe he hadn’t always been a hero, but he was then.

Which means now I have to go find another old fart to interview. Ant God damnit.

Regards, 

Fraggle Zeppelin

Lifestyle Columnist, Ant Life Magazine 

Oh yeah, and that kid totally destroyed a neighboring anthill the other day. He ran out of water before he could get to us, but reports show that he is coming back tomorrow with a super-soaker and an entire bucket filled with water.