Big Baby was the biggest baby the hospital had ever seen. Weighing an astonishing 32 lbs, the nurses were shocked that his mother carried him to term without any complications.
His mother was a simpleton, who, at her first glance at her child, began to refer to him as “Big Baby.” Eventually, the staff did too, and somehow or another Big Baby became Bob Baby’s legal name. Besides her smooth brain, she was remarkably average in height and weight.
Big Baby had a father, obviously, however, he was similarly nondescript in appearance.
Big Baby was assigned to his very own room after birth since he couldn’t fit in the regular infant room. Instead of a cot, they just put him in a bed.
It is fair to say that big things were expected from Big Baby from the very start.
On his second day on earth, news reporters and record recorders journeyed from all over the country to catch a glimpse of the big baby. Forecasts were made for his future endeavors.
Some suspected that Big Baby would become a fantastic wrestler.
Others declared he would be the biggest heavyweight boxer in the world.
Most, however, believed Big Baby’s future lay in basketball.
It was a fair belief. Big Baby was four times the height and three times the weight of all the other babies around him, which should obviously lend itself towards eventual success on the basketball court.
In fact, the very first word Big Baby ever said was “Ball.” Followed by, “Me.”
Big Baby was shipped off to the finest of preschool academies. It was a preschool built for the brightest minds and greatest bodies. So great was Big Baby’s potential.
Everybody told Big Baby this as well. Soon his big brain (for a baby) was filled with the notions of the people around him. He believed that he was destined for greatness. Even further, that Big Baby deserved greatness.
What nobody expected, however, was the possibility that Big Baby may have an early bloomer.
While it is certainly true that Big Baby was the biggest Baby of all the other Babies, after a while, the other kids started to grow too. On the other hand, Big Baby stayed the same size.
By kindergarten, Big Baby’s height advantage was hardly noticeable.
By second grade, Big Baby was shorter than the other kids. In one way, it hurt Big Baby’s pride to see his peers catch up to him so quickly. In another, much more physical way, the other children’s growth signaled to them that Big Baby no longer held such a size advantage over them.
As it turns out, Big Baby had kind of had a God complex as an infant and used this ideology to be rather ruthless to those around him. So, the children pounced on Big Baby. If he wasn’t so egotistical, maybe he could have eventually begged them to leave him alone, but he held onto the vain belief that he would grow.
But he did not.
Big Baby stayed the same size. Big for a baby to be sure, but for an eighth grader? Big Baby’s name mocked him.
Eventually, the other kids grew tired of harassing Big Baby. There wasn’t any sport in it anymore.
His voice had never gotten any deeper. It had been extremely deep for a baby’s voice, but, like his height, he pretty much talked like a baby still.
His simpleton mother and his father (who presumably married a simpleton which is super problematic) continued to push him towards sports. They, like Big Baby, held on to the desperate belief that he would grow.
Big Baby tried to find success in a litany of sports. In football, he was once mistaken for a ball and thrown into the ball bag. He remained there for the entire weekend. Once Big Baby was found he promptly quit.
In basketball, they also mistook him for a ball and dunked him onto his head. When he came to in the ambulance, he gave up on his basketball dreams.
Actually, now that I think of it, pretty much all of Big Baby’s sporting endeavors wound up with him being mistaken for a ball.
Big Baby was also very stupid. Maybe he got that from his mother, or maybe it was the fact that his brain never grew past when he was born. So he basically operated at the intelligence of a really smart infant.
Eventually, Big Baby moved out of the house and got a job doing the only thing he could: being a part-time traffic cone.
The state paid him about five bucks an hour to paint himself orange and stand in the street blocking traffic. He did not like his job, but he was aware (dimly) it was pretty much the only thing he was qualified for.
Sometimes, news reporters would check up on him, the Big Baby they had expected so much from, and Big Baby would just look up at them and scowl.
Poor Big Baby. He had dreams. But sadly he never grew out of being a baby.
Eventually, Big Baby accepted his lot in life –As much as his baby brain could that is. He had wanted so much out of his future, but the promise his youth had shown vanished with age.
Sometimes he’d look back at a picture of his infant self. All the prizes he had one. The sense of security in himself. He longed to return to those days. But instead, he was trapped in the present.
Big Baby often attended local basketball games. It was with an almost masochistic desire that he undertook this ritual. Watching others strive to do the very thing he had once thought himself destined for.
On one such occasion, the local boys were in a fierce matchup with their rivals from across the bay. It was a surprising turn of events, as the local team had pretty much every disadvantage they possibly could.
Their rivals had more money and a larger athletic program, so they bussed athletes in from the city, and it was pretty much an open secret at this point that they were giving the kids steroids.
But, the local team, who had never been given anything in their entire lives were hanging on through sheer force of will.
Big Baby didn’t really understand this subtext, what with the baby brain and all, but he did vaguely understand that what was happening was in some way important.
Then, on the court, Big Baby noticed a commotion. Something was wrong.
“The ball’s deflated!” a player said. The play stopped as players, coaches, and refs tried to think of a solution.
Turns out, the local team was so poor, that they only had the one ball. The rival team of course had a bunch of balls, but they knew that the other team would forfeit if they couldn’t find a replacement, so they said nothing.
The coach turned towards the crowd, “Does anyone have a ball we could borrow?” He called out. Nobody responded.
Then, a quiet, babyish voice murmured, “Ball.”
“Yes,” the coach said, “we need a ball.”
“Ball,” Big Baby said, “Me. ball.”
The coach looked Big Baby over. The orange paint was a bit faded on his skin, which actually gave him a sort of basketballish coloring.
“You are the right size I suppose,” the coach murmured to himself, “How do you bounce?”
Big Baby hopped on his feet a little bit.
“That will have to do.” The coach said.
With that, he picked Big Baby up and tossed him to the players.
“Play ball,” he said.
And the game commenced.
The rival team was so thrown by Big Baby’s inclusion, that their resolve broke almost immediately.
“He’s a human being, not a basketball,” they’d say, or, they’d catch him and yell “Oh my god, it’s literally a baby what the fuck is going on?”
But the local team had no such issues.
In fact, one could argue that they played even harder once Big Baby subbed in.
The rival team tried to complain to the refs, but they were already late for dinner and it was lasagna night, so they just said “There was nothing in the rulebook about a baby playing as the ball.”
The refs also may have had an undisclosed drinking problem that could have played a part in their unorthodox ruling.
Either way, the local underdogs won the game against all odds, and afterward, Big Baby was offered a new job, the basketball team’s designated ball.
The team went on to have an undefeated season. Nobody could handle the “Basketball Baby.”
Although it may not have been in the style he had expected, Big Baby had found his success.
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