Cookie Monster was eating a cookie. Surprising to nobody surely. That was kind of Cookie Monster’s whole thing. He eat cookie because he want cookie. It was how he had made his fortune and how he had found his fame, not that that had ever mattered to him. He had never really thought of much else besides eating cookies. That changed on Tuesday.
As I said, CM was gobbling up a cookie when two children walked by. He of course turned away from them, content with his cookie, but as they walked by, he could hear them talking to each other.
“God what a loser,” one of the kids said, “How old is this guy 38?” He was wearing an ill-fitting “Bass Pro Shop” hat from which his mop-top hair stuck out from in the front.
The other child snickered, “Like, pick a new gimmick already.” This one was wearing ripped white jeans and a v-neck. Obviously, these two knew what was cool and what wasn’t.
Cookie Monster was confused, “Gimmick?” He asked at their backs. They kept walking however.
Cookie Monster turned back to his cookie. It was chocolate chip, his favorite, yet for some reason the idea of taking another bite sickened him. He put the cookie down.
That night, Cookie Monster tossed and turned in his bed. He’d tried not to think about those two anymore, but every time he closed his eyes, their words rang out in his head. Gimmick. Cookie Monster did not know what to do. He had never thought of anything besides cookie before.
Cookie Monster walked to his computer and started it up. It took a while since it was from the early 2000s. But eventually, CM got the rig up and running. Cookie Monster had never been much of a computer guy, but he knew enough to find Bing and found himself looking at an empty search bar.
What to put? Cookie Monster thought to himself. Then it came to him.
Cookie Monster Gimmick?
Immediately, the webpage filled with articles and pictures of Cookie Monster eating cookies. Cookie Monster was astounded, was this all anyone knew about him? How could they? Cookie Monster was a very complicated person. He thought so at least.
Worry started to grow in Cookie Monster. Was eating cookies not cool anymore? He didn’t get it. Back when he first started eating cookies, that’s all he’d ever needed. People had been drawn to his genuine love of cookies. But now everything seemed different.
Cookie Monster looked back at the search bar.
What is cool?
Cookie Monster scrolled through the searches, occasionally skipping through videos before continuing onwards. He had almost given up hope when he came across a new video. In it was a man named Jordan Peterson. He mainly talked about how women were bad and men needed to abstain from self-pleasure. Cookie Monster wasn’t sure about any of that, especially since he didn’t even have genitalia, but he liked the guy’s croaky voice, so he kept watching.
Eventually, the man trailed off and the video ended. Cookie Monster didn’t know exactly how he felt about what he had just watched, but judging from the views on the video, and how croaky the guy’s voice had been, he was pretty sure it had been cool.
Cookie Monster began to binge the man’s videos. Listening to every talking point as if it were a freshly baked cookie. CM finally felt like he was getting somewhere. He felt more in touch with himself. He certainly liked women less. And most of all he felt interesting.
He would bring his new fixation up in whatever conversation he possibly could. His friends on Sesame Street did not find it very appealing, but CM wasn’t targeting that demographic anyway. Mainly, he’d walk into a Buffalo Wild Wings, order a domestic beer, and start chatting to a 25-32-year-old male about whatever the last thing he’d heard Peterson say.
One day, as he was talking about a recent lecture he had listened to on Vimeo, somebody cut in,
“Have you seen his podcast with Rogan though?”
Cookie Monster had no idea who that was, however, Peterson had taught him the importance of appearing knowledgeable.
“Of course me have,” Cookie monster said, “Me think that video was very insightful.”
The conversation continued, but as soon as Cookie Monster was home he hopped back on the web and searched for Rogan.
He found the podcast quickly, it was over three hours long. Perfect. Cookie Monster sat on his futon and listened to the whole thing in one go, ad breaks included. As soon as it was over his glossy white eyes shot open. Two words echoed in his head.
Carnivore diet.
Cookie Monster ran through his house like a madman, throwing any food that wasn’t meat in the trash. Pretty much everything was trashed since it was all cookies.
Then Cookie Monster went to the nearby butchery, manic demeanor still present. He rushed through the door in a bluster. He emptied the entire store out.
At first, Cookie Monster did not like his diet at all. His stool had blood in it and he was constantly in intense pain. However, Rogan said that was totally normal, so CM didn’t pay it too much mind. The hardest part about it all was trying to find ways to bring it up naturally in conversations. It turned out, people don’t talk about their diets as much as CM thought they did.
Cookie Monster settled on just screaming that he was on the carnivore diet to whoever he was talking with if he thought the conversation seemed to be headed elsewhere. This strategy had mixed results.
Two months later, Cookie Monster got a text from Big Bird, it was an invitation to dinner.
“Only if you’re serving liver!” He’d responded. Big Bird had left that on read, but Cookie Monster hadn’t given that much thought.
Cookie Monster was excited; for the past few weeks, all of his friends had been very strange to him and his new lifestyle. People kept asking him if he was okay. CM had attributed it to jealousy.
Thankfully, Big Bird seemed like he had already gotten over it. Cookie Monster was even pretty sure that this meal was a way for Cookie Monster to tell Big Bird all about his new diet. With Big Bird on his side, Cookie Monster was confident that all of his other friends would come around too.
Cookie Monster opened the door to Big Bird’s, and immediately he noticed something was off. All of his friends were sitting in chairs in a semi-circle facing him. There was one empty chair in front of him.
Uh Oh, Cookie Monster thought.
“Cookie Monster,” a man with spectacles and a tweed jacket said, “could you please have a seat?” Cookie Monster didn’t want to sit down, but he thought that it might look worse for him if he left right then.
“What is this?” He asked the group, “Me am confused.”
“Cookie Monster,” Big Bird said, “We just want you to know that we love you, and only want what is best for you.”
“Okay,” Cookie Monster said. He was still confused.
“Cookie Monster,” it was Bert, “We have all noticed recently that you have been delving a little deep into the whole alternative lifestyle.”
Cookie Monster’s eyes narrowed. That’s what this was about. He’d known his friends were jealous of him, but he had not thought they’d be this jealous.
“Me am happy,” he said, “Me like new Cookie Monster.”
“Where is all of this coming from CM?” Asked Ernie, “What made you want to start doing all this stuff?”
“That’s private.” Cookie Monster said.
They all just stared at him.
Cookie Monster didn’t like the pressure. “Some kids said eating cookies was all me had,” Cookie Monster swallowed, “That me was a gimmick.”
“You have us Cookie Monster,” said Big Bird, “We’ll always have your back.”
Cookie monster felt very small. “But me not have anything to offer you.”
Oscar the Grouch, who’d been quiet this whole time finally spoke up. His gravelly voice cutting through Cookie Monster’s maelstrom of thoughts,
“You saved my life Cookie Monster,” CM looked up at Oscar.
“Back when I was hooked on crack, you were the one that got me back on track.”
It was true. Cookie Monster had found Oscar in a pretty bad way. He’d been strung out on opioids and crack cocaine, selling his body for a bit of release. He had literally been living on the street in a cardboard box.
Cookie Monster had brought him to Sesame Street and hooked him up with a trash can, no questions asked.
Cookie Monster nodded, maybe there had been more to him before all of this. Cookie monster looked around the room at all his friends. For the first time in a while, Cookie Monster realized how lucky he was to have friends as good as these.
It kind of made him hungry. His stomach rumbled.
Cookie monster was about to ask for some cow intestine before he stopped himself.
“Me want cookie?”
His friends broke out into wide grins.
“Yeah buddy,” Big Bird said, “we can get you a cookie.”
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