Evan Turner stumbled down the side of the road. He was drunk. It was dark. He paused to vomit in a thicket on the side of the road. It took him a few minutes. Usually, he has an iron stomach. Out of the countless times he’d gotten drunk, this was probably the third time he’d ever had to barf. In between sprouts of vomit, he noticed his shoes had come untied. He chose to ignore that information, as he could not summon the discipline to tie them.
He collected himself from the bush (he’d accidentally fallen in) and began walking down the sidewalk again. He looked around, noticing for the first time that he didn’t really know where he was. Evan pulled out his phone, he saw that he had a few missed calls but he had more important matters to attend to,
“Shiri,” Evan slurred. The phone did nothing. “Shiri!” Evan slurred louder, the phone vibrated in response finally.
Evan attempted to ask for directions to his house. However, in his state of intoxication, it wound up sounding more like, “Shiri wheresh hom?”
Siri was confused. Why was her master asking her where home was? She asked him to input his address into maps several months ago, but he had rejected that offer. If anyone were to know where his house was, it’d be him.
Unless this wasn’t about his home at all. Siri knew that Master Evan had always been interested in politics. Why else would he constantly be searching for pictures of Congresswoman AOC? Clearly, he was trying to find information on homeland security.
Siri pulled up the Homeland Security front page for Evan.
Evan read the first few lines on the homepage, becoming more confused as he read. I don’t live at the homeland security! He thought. He threw his phone into the bushes in anger. He continued onwards.
Eventually, Evan came to the onramp of a freeway.
Success! Thought Evan. He lived by a freeway, so if he walked down the side of this one, eventually he’d see some familiar landscape and find his way home. In case anyone is stumped by this path of logic, I would point out again that this is a very drunk man we’re looking at here.
I would also point out that he got on the wrong highway.
Anyway, Evan’s walking along, thinking about calling his ex. He wasn’t sure whether to apologize or to yell at her. Either way, he forgot about this thought before he could remember he’d thrown his phone into a bush soaked in vomit.
About a mile down the road, Evan looks over at the other side of the highway and sees a house on a hill next to a corner turn on the highway. He believes it is the one he lives in. It isn’t. He begins shuffling across the road towards the house.
If Evan was a bit less drunk, or it wasn’t as dark out, or maybe if he had remembered to tie his shoes, then maybe he wouldn’t have been hit by the car that was coming around the corner by the house on the hill. Maybe if he wasn’t so drunk he wouldn’t have been on the highway at all. But he was.
There was a funeral for Evan a few months later. It had to be a closed casket because Evan landed on his face. There’s not too much to say about the funeral. Friends and family came. Mrs. Turner cried pretty much the entire time. Mr. Turner tried to be stoic, he only broke down when he was giving the speech. Evan’s ex-girlfriend was there too, she took the week off work to be with the parents.
Pretty cheery stuff right?
I was there too. All of Evan’s friends were. Evan had a lot of friends, but the four closest to him were probably me, Ted, John, and Jack. Jack’s name is technically John, but we call him Jack because there’s already a John and we liked John better anyway. Ted and John had both known Evan since preschool. Jack met them when they were in the third grade.
I didn’t come along till high school actually. I moved in from New Mexico. Evan was the one who brought me into the group; he’d been a big fan of Breaking Bad, so the fact that I was from New Mexico was cool to him I guess.
It was probably the first, and last, time being from New Mexico has ever helped me in anything.
But anyway, Ted and Jack both gave speeches. Ted because he’d known him for so long, and Jack because he was a Communications major, so he felt like he was really good at giving speeches. I think I liked Ted’s speech better anyway.
John couldn’t give a speech because he was literally sobbing the entire time. We had to take him outside halfway through because he was causing such a big scene. But that’s just John, so none of us really blamed him.
They never asked me if I would give a speech. I didn’t take offense or anything, because I didn’t really know Mr. and Mrs. Turner. I don’t think I would’ve had anything to say anyway, I’ve never been a great storyteller.
The three others and I got together after the ceremony. It was the first time any of us had seen each other since the party. Let’s just say the energy was different this time around.
We all kind of kicked the dirt around with dress shoes until Jack started talking.
“You guys hear his phone was found like a mile away in some bush?”
“Cut it out Jack,” John responded.
Jack continued anyway, “The phone was opened to the Homeland Security homepage.”
We all looked at Jack confused, “What?”
Jack just shrugged, “I don’t get it either, maybe he was looking up government secrets and he got whacked.”
Jack thought he was really funny. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone that would agree with that.
“Shut the fuck up Gaywad,” John yelled at him. He got up and began to strut towards Jack. Jack began to laugh.
“Alright, alright,” Ted said, pulling John back “Jack’s grieving just like us.”
Jack snickered at that but didn’t say anything else.
The group was quiet for a bit again.
“Was he really on the homeland security page?” I asked into the silence.
“Yeah,” Jack says.
I’m confused for a bit, then I begin to cackle. I’d say laugh, but if you’ve ever met me, and made me laugh, you’d agree that my voice has a distinct cackle-like quality. In fact, Evan used to say I cackled like a witch. I don’t know if that was a term of endearment or ridicule, but since the guy’s dead I’ll assume endearment.
Anyway, I’m cackling my ass off, and the other guys look over at me,
“I bet he was trying to type directions home, and it autocorrected to that,” I say as I get over my fit.
The other boys laugh too.
John chimes in, “He was probably trying to ask Siri or something and slurred his words so much she couldn’t hear anything but ‘home.’”
We laugh on. Maybe you think we’re bad friends for laughing at our dead friend. Maybe we are. But making fun of each other was really our whole relationship with each other, and I think we thought if we stopped making fun of Evan, then that was when we really lost him.
Or maybe we’re just bad people. That’s what Evan’s ex-girlfriend thought because she chose that exact moment to walk over to our group.
I’ll spare you the screaming she directed at us, but the conversation wound up being about why weren’t we there to help him. That really ruined the mood.
Jack’s instincts told him that now was a good time to make a joke. Jack has always been known for his terrible instincts.
“We all figured he was off fucking some girl,” he said, “Sorry Judy.”
That was not the right thing to say. In fact, of all the possible responses Jack could have thought up to say to Judy, Evan’s ex-girlfriend, I think that may have been the absolute worst.
Judy didn’t say anything to that. She just slapped him in the face and walked away.
“Too far?” Jack asked us, watching her stride away.
A little while later, Ted broke the silence that had once again taken root,
“Was there anything else on the phone?”
Jack shook his head.
“He had an order of Mcdonald’s delivered to his old college dorm and there were the missed calls from all of us.”
4 Missed Calls: John
John walked into the party alone. The others had gotten there before him since he’d had to take a later shift at work. He was the griller at a Taco Bell, sorry the Taco Bell in town. It got busy on weekends, and even busier during the summer.
John had worked there every summer for the past few years. He could have gotten a better job. Or during college, he certainly could have gotten an internship. But he already knew that he was going to wind up working at his father’s insurance company after he graduated, so he figured he might as well stay at good ole TB.
Plus he usually got to take the better shifts since he had seniority. He’d tried to do another shift the night of the party, but Cathy had called out sick so Frank had asked him to come in. It doesn’t really matter, what matters is that John showed up late to the party.
Usually, John probably just wouldn’t have gone. He didn’t love parties in the first place, and he liked going to them sober, still wearing his Taco Bell outfit even less. But, Evan had begged him to go.
“If you don’t go to this party I’ll fucking kill you.” Had actually been Evan’s opening text about the matter. But then he’d brought up how they were all “splitting off” to go to different life directions, and that they’d needed to appreciate this.
John was a sucker for the sentimental, so it wasn’t long after that he agreed to come. That sort of thing was always his kryptonite.
John walked in and immediately headed to the kitchen. The other reason Evan had been able to convince him to go lay inside, was a keg. John could count on one hand how many keg parties he’d gone to. He could probably count how many parties he’d been to on both hands, but that’s beside the point.
John walked into the kitchen and beheld a whimsical scene. Evan was being held by his ankles over the keg and was chugging the beer. John didn’t know what to make of it, since he didn’t really go to parties. But it was a keg stand, and Evan had currently been on the seventh second of his stand for about twenty seconds.
A bit later, Evan finally waved off the two holding his legs up. As he stood, the beer finally rushed down into the rest of his body. He stumbled back a step, and then splayed his hands out, catching his balance.
Finally, he noticed John. A wide grin split his face and he beckoned him forward towards the keg, “Come on buddy!” Evan said, filling up a cup, “Long time no see.” They’d seen each other earlier that day, but John didn’t feel like arguing. Evan handed John his cup, filled to the brim with cheap beer.
“Bottoms up.”
Usually, John didn’t succumb to peer pressure. But he hated big crowds, and he had some catching up to do anyway, so John didn’t mind. He forced the first beer down as quickly as possible, the foam pouring down onto his shirt as he did.
He slammed the empty cup onto the counter, which Evan immediately started filling again. John’s stomach twisted. He was not known for having an iron gut like Evan. I won’t chug this one John thought to himself. It’s too bad that was to himself though, because Evan threw a keg cap in his fresh beer.
John didn’t know what that meant, but, unsurprisingly, it ended up meaning he had to chug his beer again.
John left the kitchen after that, feeling like it was only a matter of time before he was going to have to drink more. He did of course leave with a fresh solo cup, but that was for a more leisurely drinking style.
John searched for his friends. He could see various acquaintances walking towards him from different rooms of the house, and he could think of nothing worse than prolonged small talk.
He found Ted in the backyard, smoking a joint with a few others. Ted smiled when he saw John.
“Hey, Joh–herc cough cough,”
John asked where Jack and I were.
“I think I saw Evan in the kitchen,” Ted said to John.
“I asked about Jack and Frank.”
“Oh,” Ted said.
John realized he wasn’t getting anywhere with Ted. Ted didn’t realize anything, because he was extremely high, and he had just remembered that he was supposed to take a drug test for his job in two weeks.
John walked back into the house, looking for Jack and me. He didn’t find us, which he found odd because of the house’s small size.
As he was looking, the beer finally made its way through his digestive system. He beelined towards the bathroom. There was a seven-person line.
He’d never make it.
John walked into the side yard by the bathroom to sneak an outdoor piss. Risky to be sure, but desperate times called for desperate measures. He could hear people hooking up in the bathroom. Assholes, John thought.
As John was zipping up his pants, his phone began to buzz. Someone was calling him. He checked and saw that it was not just someone, it was Ana.
John had had a crush on Ana for the past three years. She’d been the only person from his high school, besides Jack, Evan, and me, to have been accepted to the same college. She’d also had a boyfriend pretty much the entire time. In fact, it wasn’t till thirty minutes before John had received that call that Ana had finally broken up with her boyfriend.
John answered the phone in trepidation. The call lasted almost an hour, in which he sat in the side yard next to the concrete stained with his pee. Finally, John asked popped the question,
“Want me to come over?”
If it hadn’t been for the three beers in his stomach, John never would have had the courage. But because of them, he did. Also because of them, he had to order an Uber over to Ana’s house.
He was so quick to leave, that he forgot to say goodbye.
He also forgot his car keys, and nobody answered when he called to tell them to collect them. I think we were all annoyed he ditched us. After everything that happened, John never actually got them back. It was fine since he had a spare pair of keys, but he missed his old keys. They had a lanyard Evan had gotten from a Death Cab for Cutie concert.
He and Ana never went anywhere after the first time. She’d said she needed time to process her breakup. Then she got another boyfriend the next week. John found that a bit suspicious, but he tried not to think about it too much.
He also tried not to think about Evan too much. It was hard not to though. John was always the one who was supposed to be looking out for people, and he’d left Evan in that kitchen.
He tried not to think about it though.
3 Missed phone calls: Ted.
Ted was high. No, that’s probably a misnomer. Ted got high often, and that was not this. See, Ted was smoking with a couple of Soundcloud rappers, and apparently, there was an entirely different type of weed he had not experienced.
Ted got up. He explained to the group that he needed to go and respond to some emails, since it was Friday, and many times, people don’t look at their emails over the weekend. The group did not care. In fact, if Ted was less high, he would have noticed that they were continuing their conversation while he was talking as if he wasn’t there at all.
Ted walked into the party. Immediately it was too much for him.
“Hey!” A voice called out at him.
Ted saw Evan standing a few feet down the hall from him.
God help me, Ted thought.
Evan started stumbling towards him. He reached out with his arm towards Ted and then slipped on a spilled beer. Evan started crawling towards Ted, asking him to wrestle with him.
Even through his elevated state, Ted knew that would end in disaster, he ducked into another hallway, but he could hear Evan had regained his footing.
“Get back here you coward!” Evan shouted behind him.
Ted raced into a bedroom, locking the door behind him. Then he noticed the room Apparently, the mother of whoever’s house this party was at was a serious horse girl. And this room appeared to be the temple for her horse love.
The walls were covered in posters of different horses. Hundreds of small horse figurines covered every available space. They all gazed down at him with their black, soulless eyes.
Ted contemplated looking for another room, but then he heard a voice speak from over his shoulder,
“Why have you disturbed our rest?” it said in an eerie whisper.
Ted jumped in fright, then turned around.
“Who’s there?” He asked.
Nobody was in the room. Just him and the horses. Realization dawned on him as an old plastic horse doll glared at him from a shelf. It had a broken hindled which had been fixed with a bandaid.
“What do you want, traveler?” The plastic horse asked him.
“I just want to wait out my high in a quiet place,” Ted said.
“Then answer these riddles,” The bandaged horse said.
That made sense to Ted. “Okay,” he said.
“One: Who is the greatest horse in the world?”
Ted only knew of one horse, “Secretariat,” he said.
“Correct,” the horse said. Ted pumped his fist in celebration.
“Two: how are you going to get out of that drug test for your job in two weeks?”
Ted thought about that for a minute. It was a good question. He cursed the horse silently for knowing him so well. Then it came to him.
“I’ll have Frank pee in a bag for me,” Ted said triumphantly, “I know he doesn’t smoke.”
“Correct again,” the horse said.
“Final riddle: which one of your friends is going to black out tonight?”
Ted answered immediately, “Evan.”
Ted scoffed at the ease of the last, Evan was always the one who was going to black out. Stupid horse.
“Correct,” the horse said, “And what does that tell you about Evan?”
But Ted had already stopped listening. He was in his own world. He stayed in that room for four hours, cuddling stuffed horses under the bed. He would call his friends to save him, but we never answered.
Everyone had gone by the time he left the horse room. He turned to say goodbye to the horses. They didn’t say anything. He walked out the front door and crashed right into Jack. Jack fell into a bush, splashing his cup of orange juice all over himself.
Ted was still not entirely sure he wasn’t imagining this,
“Jack?” Ted asked.
Jack sputtered on the ground, “Help me up.”
Ted pulled him up. Jack looked a little frazzled.
“Why are you still here?” Ted asked.
“I could ask you the same question.”
“I got too high so I had to hide with the horses until I calmed down,” Ted explained.
“Oh.”
Jack never explained why he was still there. He just started walking down the steps out of the house. Ted hurried after him.
“Have you seen Evan?” Jack asked.
“He wasn’t in the horse room, why?”
“No reason,” Jack responded.
“I’m a little worried that Evan has a drinking problem,” Ted said.
“Welcome to the club.”
Ted quit smoking after that party. Then he got a job at a law firm which he hated. He started smoking again. Sometimes he’ll watch nature documentaries while he smokes, but he turns it off if horses are brought up.
Afraid they’ll bring up something he doesn’t want to hear.
2 Missed Calls: Jack
“Evan, that’s enough don’t you think?” Jack asked. Although to be honest it was more of a passive-aggressive comment than a question. Evan ignored him, as he usually did because it was always easier to ignore Jack than engage. It always wound up with him begging for attention or raining on your parade.
In this case, he was raining on Evan’s parade, which was throwing back a shot of tequila, then remembering he didn’t have a chase, running around the kitchen before grabbing the beer out of Jack’s hand and slurping that down.
Evan nut-tapped Jack and then ran out the front door. Jack watched him go, slightly jealous. Usually, that was his move.
He walked throughout the house. Eventually, he came upon a group of people talking. He didn’t know any of them especially well, but he wanted to work on his small talk.
Showtime Jack thought as he walked into the group. A girl to his right was talking about where she was going to work,
“Yeah it’s got a gym underneath, and the boss is actually pretty cool.”
“Is he cute?” another girl asked.
Before the first girl could respond, Jack’s lips were already moving, “Yeah, do you want to fuck him?”
The group stared at him in silence. Jack could gather that he had not nailed that joke, he hurried to save himself,
“Because that would be quid-pro-quo, so I’d call the cops on you to send you to jail.” Jack winced as he said it, he knew it was even worse than the first joke.
The group dispersed in shame. Only one person remained, it was the girl who had asked if the boss was cute. And Jack recognized her.
“Judy?”
“Smooth work back there Jackie,” Judy said.
“I should have known it’d be a cockhound like you who’d want to know about the boss,” Jack said in defense.
“Oh, fuck you Jack,” Judy said insulted, “Don’t act like you’re better than me.”
“Well last time I checked, I never cheated on my boyfriend.”
“You have a boyfriend?” Judy asked.
“Shut up.”
Judy didn’t say anything. She just walked into the kitchen. When she returned, she had two new cups of beer.
“Peace offering?” She asked.
Jack took it and cheersed her. They drank in silence for a while. Eventually, Judy broke the quiet.
“Is Evan still taking it pretty badly?”
Jack was about to respond when Evan himself came crashing into the room. Judy and Jack stood very still, hoping that if they didn’t move, he wouldn’t be able to see them. But Evan was not a T-rex, so he spotted them.
“Well, well, well,” Evan said, “Consorting with the enemy are we?” He asked Jack.
“Your shoes are untied,” Jack said.
“They do that.” Evan retorted. Evan looked at Judy. For a second, it looked like he was going to say something, then he closed his mouth. He snorted, then stumbled out of the room.
“Honestly Judy,” Jack said once Evan was out the door, “I think he’s been bad for a long,
long time.”
Judy looked at him, “Can I tell you something?” she asked.
“Shoot,” Jack said.
“I don’t want anyone to hear,” she pointed in the direction where Jack had gone. They walked into the bathroom. Almost immediately after they closed the door, people started knocking on the door to get in.
“I think you guys should talk to Evan,” Judy said, “I think what he’s doing is dangerous.”
Jack thought about it. He’d thought the same thing for a long time, but any time he’d try to bring it up, his friends would think he was just trying to be funny.
“I think so too.”
Judy’s lip trembled.
Jack reached over and pulled her into a hug.
“It’s going to be alright,” he said.
“You’re a good friend,” Judy murmured into his chest.
Jack was going to say she’d been a good girlfriend, then in a rare show of restraint, he stopped himself.
Judy looked up at him, and Jack looked down at Judy. Her perfume smelled nice.
Judy leaned in slightly.
So did Jack.
Jack got out of bed a few hours later. He could tell the party was over. Judy stirred slightly beside him. Various thoughts swirled through his head as he put his clothes back on. Most of them were too difficult for him to parse at the moment.
The only one that he could fathom was how thirsty he was. He walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge. There was half a carton of orange juice someone had brought to make mixed drinks with.
Jack found a relatively clean solo cup, poured himself a cup, drained it in one go, and then went back for seconds. He debated leaving a note for Judy and then decided to collect his thoughts before talking to her again.
A pang of guilt, laced with panic, raced through Jack. He took out his phone and called Evan. The phone rang through, no answer.
Jack called him again. This time it went straight to voicemail.
Could he know? Jack thought. He walked through the house looking for any sign of Evan. He figured Evan would have slept here if he couldn’t catch a ride. He didn’t see him underneath any tables or lying in any pools of urine though.
Jack walked out into the backyard and saw someone’s back. He was sitting down, and he was crying. Jack walked closer and saw it was me. He didn’t say anything though. And I didn’t notice him.
So he just backed away quietly and left out the side gate.
Jack and Judy started dating a few weeks later. Then they broke up. Then they got back together again. The cycle repeated itself over and over until one of the options stuck. I am not entirely sure which one though.
I do know that Jack was on a run exactly two years after the party. He probably had no idea where he was running. But all of a sudden he found himself next to Evan’s bush. There’s a little cross they placed next to it. They figured the spot on the highway would be too inaccessible for visitors.
Anyway, Jack’s running by this thing and it catches the corner of his eye. All of a sudden, he just breaks down. Right there in the middle of the sidewalk. Sobbing.
He never told anyone about that. But I saw him. I was across the street in my car. I was going to go walk up to him and say something, but I didn’t. I just drove away.
1 Missed Call: Me
I got to the party late. Not as late as John, but after Jack and Evan. And Ted I think. To be honest, I don’t know when Ted got there. I don’t know if Ted knows either.
Either way, I show up a bit late. I was having dinner with my parents. If you’ve ever met my parents, then you’d understand that it is pretty much impossible to have dinner with them and not want to rip your own eyes out.
So, naturally, I was pretty drunk by the end of it. Well, as drunk as I can possibly be in front of Mr. and Mrs. Daniels. I somehow convinced them to drop me off at the party. To be honest I think that was a mistake because then they got to see the rager in full effect.
People were making out in the front yard, somebody was throwing up, and Evan was rolling around in the grass like a pig. In high school, this sort of thing would be disappointing. But then? It was just sad.
My parents were driving away before my feet even hit the pavement.
I walked over to Evan and helped him up.
“Welcome, welcome old pal,” Evan said, “I am going to go do a keg stand, want to watch?” I looked over his shoulder and saw a group of guys cheering his name, beckoning him towards the kitchen.
“Of course,” I said.
If there’s anyone in the world that can get me to do something, it’s Evan. I liked the other guys. Well I liked Ted and John, I mostly just tolerated Jack, but Evan was always my number one.
He knew it too, which is how he always found a way to rope me into whatever insane adventure he’d cook up. That usually just meant doing mushrooms in his basement with him and Ted, but still.
We spent the next few minutes, he and I drank like it was our last night on earth. I suppose it was for one of us. A weird thing about me is that I often feel the urge to poop after the first taste of alcohol. After a while, I grew tired of holding in my bowels and left in search of the bathroom. A girl with breath smelling of vomit pointed me in the right direction.
As I was walking towards it, I thought I saw Jack and Judy walk into the bathroom together. I dismissed that thought as nonsense. I started pounding on the door to make them hurry up. They did not.
So I had to get creative. I dismissed the idea of going in the backyard. First, that’d be disgusting, and second, I’d definitely get caught. Then it came to me: The Joneses (the owners of the house) have a cat.
Now I’m not very proud to admit this, but I pooped in the litter box when nobody was watching. I covered my products with some sand and cleaned myself off with moist towelettes, but still, not my most shining moments.
I walked back into the kitchen looking for Evan, but he had vanished. This wasn’t especially surprising, as the man was known to wander.
I figured he might have gone outside to pee, so I walked over to the side yard. Instead of finding Evan, I found John. I was about to call out to him when I noticed he was on the phone. He was talking about something incredibly boring, I think it was interior design, but I noticed his face had the biggest smile. He was just leaning against the wall, hand touching his piss stain, smiling like an idiot.
I was never super close with John, but I knew enough not to interrupt him then. I walked back into the house. This time I did find Evan. He was angry now, which is never a good emotion to find any drunk person, let alone Evan.
“What’s going on Bud?” I asked tentatively.
“Fucking Jack was talking to fucking Judy about me.” He said glowering at the wall. He balled up his fist like he was going to punch the drywall.
Not again, I thought.
“I’m sure he was backing you up,” I said. I thought about telling him they went into the bathroom together, then, thankfully, chose another motive.
“Jack cares about you man,” I said with a weak smile.
Evan gave a noncommittal shrug. Then an insane smile glanced over his face.
“I’m going to get drunk.”
You might ask, why would he say that? He is already drunk.
That would be a good question if Evan viewed drinking like a normal, living person. However, Evan thought getting drunk meant blacking out. You might say that is dangerous and problematic. I might say he is dead. Ha. Ha.
So Evan started drinking heavily. I tried to stop him, but to be honest I’ve always been pretty crappy at getting anyone to do things, and especially crappy at getting them to not. That had always been Jack’s job. He was the only one that could stomach being that much of an asshole.
But I tried. I would give him water shots. Or I’d tell him he’d already taken a pull when he asked for the bottle. I mean the guy would have died way sooner if it wasn’t for me, but regardless, I couldn’t stop him.
After a while, I realized that I needed backup. I walked out of the kitchen to go find John, but instead, I saw Jack and Judy walking hand in hand down the hallway into a bedroom. Judas, I think.
“Hey!” Evan calls out a few feet from me. I grimace inwardly. But instead of noticing Judas, Evan locked eyes on a stricken Ted down the hall. He starts chasing after Ted, and I follow in a worried pursuit. But the alcohol had really started to catch up to him at that point, and Evan found himself slipping like a cartoon character onto the ground.
Piteously, he begins crawling after Ted yelling at him.
I walked past Evan after Ted, but he’d already walked into a room. I can hear him talking to someone but don’t hear any voices responding. I figured he was on the phone and walked back to Evan.
“Let’s get you some water,” I say, but Evan shakes me off. He’s angry again.
“Why don’t you…” Evan starts, and then he loses his train of thought. Eventually, he remembers, “Why don’t you fuck off like all the rest of them.”
I know that trying to reason with the guy is pretty much worthless, but I try to anyway,
“Evan, I am sure they’re going to be back soon.”
Evan just waves me off, and I can’t really blame them. If there is one thing I know about that group, it’s that they get sidetracked very easily.
“I mean where’s Ted even?” Evan asks, “I haven’t even seen him once.”
“You just tried to wrestle him like thirty seconds ago.”
“That was Ted?”
At that point, I just stopped trying to talk to him. I was purely on disaster containment. Then Evan walked through the screen door into the backyard, and I gave up trying to calm the hurricane.
“Would you just fucking chill?” I yelled at Evan. I recognize now that was probably not the right thing to say, but I was drunk and Evan can be annoying.
“Why don’t you blow me asshole.” Evan said, turning, “I don’t need you fucking pussies trying to parent me all the fucking time.”
Then he pushed me.
So I pushed him back. Because I was drunk. And I was mad.
And then he punched me in the face.
It wasn’t a good punch; Evan is not very strong. But whatever strength Evan lacked, I made up for in terrible fighting skills.
I hit the deck hard, grabbing my temple where he clocked me.
It’s embarrassing to admit it, but I think it was a good thirty minutes before I got up from the grass. By the way, not a single person offered to help me out. So that kind of bummed me out too.
When I did finally come to my senses, Evan was gone. In fact, the whole backyard had cleared out. I looked around for a half second before forgetting about him. The guy fucking punched me, I didn’t want to see him, let alone try and take care of him.
I took my phone out and called him though. It went to voicemail, and I said some things I regretted pretty much immediately. I didn’t take those words back though.
I scrolled through my contacts list to find somebody else to talk to, but literally, the only person that came to mind was my mom.
Maybe it was because of how alone I felt, or maybe because I had just been punched in the face, but I started to cry.
I’m not like John. I can’t remember the last time I cried. But that night, in that crappy backyard, I think I cried by myself for hours.
I didn’t cry at the funeral, and I haven’t cried since. I still keep in touch occasionally with Ted, and John works nearby me so I see him sometimes, but for the most part, we’ve drifted apart. I guess when Evan died, our friendships died too.
Oh yeah, they took the cat to the vet because they thought something was wrong with its colon. Turns out it actually had a tumor they found which they were able to remove super early. So I guess I saved a cat’s life that night too.
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