Hi Football fans! As our most dedicated fantasy football users, we here at ESPN are excited to share with you our upcoming updates!
THE HURT LOCKER FEATURE:
Player injuries are a sad, but permanent feature of the sport, and there is nobody more devastated by this aspect than the fantasy football managers that must deal with them. In an effort to provide a more hopeful twist on this facet of the game, we are now introducing the HURT LOCKER FEATURE. This feature disables notifications on your own team’s injuries, and instead updates you on injuries suffered by your opponent’s team!
Revel in the season (or in some cases career) ending injuries afflicting your other teams. Sure, it’s unfortunate these players are losing out on millions of dollars, but who cares? That is what you get when you devote your life to risking your body to appease the ravenous masses of America. They were probably poor before they started playing professional football anyway.
THE DISNEY PLUS PLUS FEATURE:
Every kicker will now be required to complete Disney character training at Disney World Orlando. One might ask how this will affect Fantasy football?
No. 1: It literally says “fantasy” in the name. It is about time we added some more fantastical elements to the sport.
No. 2: Each kicker will be required to do a forty second dance routine in character directly after each field goal attempt. If they are able to successfully complete their routine whilst avoiding tackles and staying in character, their fantasy score will be multiplied by the score given to them by the judges.
ANTI CONTROVERSY FEATURE:
While we at ESPN FANTASY believe that people are not infallible, and mistakes can, and should be forgiven, we also admit that the NFL has been no stranger to controversy in the past couple of years.
Therefore, in an effort to capitalize on this new aspect of the game, we are excited to announce the upcoming: ANTI CONTROVERSY FEATURE. In tandem with our Disney China partners, we have workshopped a social credit system in order to grade current and ex-player’s outbursts.
With this feature, fantasy managers will have to keep into account the likelihood their player will have some sort of insane controversy that is almost impressive in scope. These controversies will then be placed on the team’s weekly score. For instance, Sexist comments will be worth -15 points, any sort of animal cruelty will be worth -50, and any comments that go against the People’s Republic of China will be worth -2000 points.
HEADHUNTER FEATURE:
In tandem with the ANTI CONTROVERSY FEATURE, the HEADHUNTER FEATURE will work in opposition of the negative credit. If a deceased player is eventually found to have had CTE, all negative points will be removed from their overall score, and rewarded to the manager’s current team.
SWIFTIE FEATURE:
Are you a certified Swifite? With this new SWIFTIE FEATURE, Taylor swift will officially be able to be selected for the draft. How will that work?
We’re glad you asked!
Every time Taylor swift is shown on the television is worth 5 fantasy points. Everytme the announcers reference her: 3. And finally, if she is seen dancing or celebrating, your team will automatically win your matchup. #SWIFTIENATION!
DEI FEATURE:
In an effort to equalize racial tensions on the football field (and in now way an effort to cater towards our large, and likely slightly racist, white community), white players featured in positions not usually held by white athletes, will be awarded a 2X point boost.
For defenses that feature a white defensive back, the defense will have a 5X multiplier.
Quarterbacks, Tight Ends, and Christian McCaffrey will be excluded from this boost.
On the other hand, any black kickers or centers will similarly be awarded a point boost.
PRO CORRECT GOVERNANCE FEATURE:
In a continued joint project with our steadfast partners in the People’s Republic of China, we at ESPN FANTASY will be adopting new, fun rule changes to better align our product with the issues we stand for.
Therefore, Taiwan Jones, a free agent in the NFL, will be henceforth referred to as, People’s Republic of China Jones on all ESPN platforms.
In addition, Younghoe Koo will be officially referred to as Chinese, instead of South Korean, on all platforms starting now.
POLITICAL SNAFU:
Finally, we are extremely pleased to release our final update, POLITICAL SNAFU. In this exciting new update, we will be inputting into the metadata every player’s known political stance. Paired with the social credit algorithm, each player will be subsequently penalized for their opinions judging on whether or not they are in line with our (China’s) opinions.
What if your player hasn’t publicly stated his political postions?
What a weirdo! But, if they have not been stated, we will assume that they are in line with ESPN FANTASY’S mandated opinion. Unless they are a white quarterback from a red state. Or any person seen in the same general vicinity as Raptors General Manager Daryl Morey.
Thank you for your continued support of ESPN’s Fantasy Football.
再见!
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