God was not sure if He had made the right decision.
Maybe rescuing humans had been an impulse decision. He may not have thought it out completely. He’d just gotten dumped by Satan, and He was craving some attention. He was big enough to admit that.
To be honest, God hadn’t thought it would be as much work as it turned out to be. The humans were known for being smart, so He figured that would make them easier to train. Turns out, that was the opposite of the truth.
Every time He tried to enforce a rule, they would find some way of getting around it. And then when He’d give them some rule on a whim, which would always clearly be pretty relaxed, those would be the ones they’d follow.
Half the time it seemed like they just picked whatever rule let them be lazier.
Like they knew not to work on Sundays but they couldn’t figure out that He didn’t want them whining at him all the time.
His training methods changed over time. It isn’t PC to admit this, but when God first started disciplining humans, He wasn’t exactly the most easy going. Okay, in all honesty, He was a very aggressive pet owner. Again, God is big enough to admit that.
But hey, what was He supposed to do? Every single time that He’d try and get some cool animals or new landscaping, the humans just couldn’t help themselves from wrecking it. He knew they didn’t know what they were doing was wrong, but He couldn’t stop himself from getting frustrated.
Also, you see, God was from a different time. That sort of stuff just kind of happened back before the big bang. You can’t really blame him when all He knew about teaching your pet was through force and fiery retribution.
Eventually though, God got a trainer; Jesus. He was the total stereotype. Long hair, beard, wore a robe. Jesus was all about positive reinforcement and working with humans on their level. He also said forgiveness was important in making the pet more comfortable in their living arrangement.
God wasn’t sure about this “Hippie Dippie Kumbaya bullshit,” but Jesus did have good reviews. Plus, God had started talking to somebody, and He didn’t want to come off as offensive if they ever went back to His house. And he kind of realized he was getting nowhere with his methods.
At first, it really seemed like Jesus’s methods were working. The humans really seemed to grasp the manner in which Jesus addressed them. God was excited. Maybe finally He could take the humans out to the park to play with other aliens.
But then one day, the humans bit Jesus. Jesus acted like it was no big deal, and that he totally forgave humans, but then all of a sudden h started being super busy whenever God would try and schedule another training session. After a while, Jesus stopped responding to God’s texts entirely.
So God was left with a half-trained humans, and none of the other trainers would take them on. God tried to keep up the training regiment that Jesus had been working into the humans, but He pretty soon he fell behind. He was bust, and sometimes life just gets in the way.
Eventually, humans started rolling right back into their old habits again. Heresy, murder, He even caught a human defecating in one of his temples.
The worst part was that God knew they could do better. They had so much promise, and yet they’d revert back to their old habits because they knew it was easy.
And like humans, God started falling back onto his old play book too.
Sure, maybe the floods aren’t as gigantic, the pestilence not as pestilencey, but here and there it allowed God to feel like he was still in control.
At the back of his mind, God tried not to dwell on the fact that humans really weren’t supposed to live this long. I mean when He’d had dinosaurs (which was a way better pet by the way) they’d come and gone long before God had ever even thought of their manners.
Although He had gotten them from a breeder rather than a rescue.
The humans kept on going. Even through that one nuclear scare in the 80’s.
But, He did notice humans was slowing down. They didn’t jump and cower for his affection quite as much as they used to. In fact, most of the time it seemed like they just sat around looking at their phones. Back in the day, they would get excited just when he’d throw a shooting star for them. Now, they barely looked up. He supposed they simply didn’t have the energy they used to.
Maybe it was time for a visit to Dr. Meteor.
As much as the humans got on his nerves, God still did not enjoy the thought of it. They were a cute species, despite themselves. He’d always remember how they used to jump and chant around the fire back when they were young.
They had their flaws, sure. But at the end of the day, He knew they loved him, even if they hardly seemed to notice him anymore. He’d just never realized how much He’d ended up loving them back.
That’s the real price, He realized. It wasn’t the vet bills or the upholstery He’d had to pay to fix. It was the fact that you lose them so soon.
Maybe next time He’ll just get dolphins.
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