Harry leapt back into the common room, unveiling himself from within his invisibility cloak.
“Bloody hell,” said Harry’s ginger friend Ronald, “Have you got it?”
Harry had been searching the forbidden section of the library for the last several hours for a book that could hold the key to beating Lord Voldemort once and for all. Ronald and Hermione had been waiting in stressed silence. Ronald’s ginger hair was lined with trails from his nervous fingers.
“I’ve got something even better,” Harry said as he slammed a book onto the common room’s aged oak table. It was not an old tome. In fact, it was not a book at all. It was a magazine. To be more specific, it was a men’s health magazine. On the cover, a scantily clad model posed suggestively, with a blurb to the right of her buxom form reading: “The ten secrets to making a woman orgasm!”
Ron and Harry jumped onto the floor by the table and began to study the contents of the text. Occasionally, breaking off to giggle appreciatively, but mostly studying the text with resolute diligence.
“How is this going to help us defeat You Know Who?” Hermione asked from behind them.
They didn’t answer her. So she repeated the question. Louder.
“Bloody Hell Hermione, can’t you tell this is valuable information,” Ron said, then he leaned over to Harry’s ear and whispered in a not-so-quiet whisper, “Girls amiright?”
Harry giggled in appreciation of Ron’s excellent zinger.
Hermione chose to ignore that barb.
“What is valuable about this magazine?” She asked.
Harry finally decided to turn around. He wrenched his eyes from the page and looked at hers;
“Don’t you know how hard it is for guys to figure this stuff out?” he yelled, “Do you not realize how many hours and days I’ve spent looking for a guide like this?”
Hermione looked at Harry for a second, “Wait, so you haven’t been looking for ways to beat Voldemort?”
Harry looked exasperated, “Of course not!” He yelled, “I have a date with Ginny coming up and it’s the third one, so we all know what that means.”
“I have no earthly idea what you’re talking about” Hermione said.
“It means they’re going to bone Hermione,” Ronald said, before adding a “Bloody hell,” for good measure.
“Okay…” said Hermione, clearly weirded about by Ronald’s passion for his best friend fucking his sister, “What does that weird idea have to do with this magazine?”
Harry looked aghast. He said nothing. Instead, he hunched back over his magazine.
Ronald’s eyes were filled with fire. He grabbed Hermione’s arm and dragged her to a corner.
“Harry doesn’t have much experience with sex.” Ronald whispered to Hermione.
“Okay, so why does that matter?” Hermione responded.
Ronald laughed, “So how else is he supposed to figure out how to make a woman orgasm?”
Hermione was confused.
“Wait, what?” She asked.
Harry looked over at them. He could tell what they’d been talking about.
“Nobody tells you how to do it,” Harry said.
“Make a woman orgasm?” Hermione asked.
“Even I don’t really know,” Ronald said beside her, looking at his hands, “And we have sex like all the time.”
Hermione pushed herself away from Ron.
“Okay first of all; ew,” she said, “and second, why can’t you just figure it out with the girl, most girls have different tastes anyways.”
Harry legit screamed.
“I WOULD RATHER BE FORCED INTO A ONE ON ONE CONFRONTATION WITH THE DARK LORD THAN DO THAT HERMIONE!” Harry said calmly.
Hermione uncovered her hands from her ears.
“Ooookay,” she said, “Why can’t you find this information on the internet then?”
All Harry could do was shake his head angrily. Ronald answered,
“There’s literally like no material on the internet about this stuff.”
Hermione doubted that.
“I doubt that,” she said,
“Okay there’s like one article from an Indian magazine, but honestly it kind of just dissolves into a weird lecture about the caste system and keeping away from the untouchables, so we didn’t think it pertained to sex very much,” Ronald said before pausing, “Unless you think it does?”
“No.” Hermione said.
“So then exactly,” Ronald said relieved, he’d been trying to bring up the caste system during intimate moments with Hermione for the past few weeks and he hadn’t had much success, “There is nothing online.”
Hermione didn’t really know what to say. To be fair, her entire life for the past few weeks had pretty much been centered around taking down the evil dark wizard Voldemort, but still, Hermione didn’t remember the last time she’d been so speechless.
On the one hand, she found the boys’ plight pathetic. I mean, grow some balls and talk to the girl! But on the other, it was almost sweet, in a strange, disgusting way, that the boys were so clearly concerned with making sex feel good for both parties.
She was about to respond when a giant explosion rocked the wall of the common room. The three friends were sent flying. Dust and smoke obscured the room and through that obstruction walked Lord Voldemort.
“Where is Harry Potter?” He said in his noseless, yet somehow nasally, voice.
Harry stood from the rubble. Wand clutched in his hand. Men’s health magazine in the other.
“I’m right here Tom.” Harry said resolutely.
Voldemort looked down at him.
“Harry Potter, the boy who lived, come to d–is that the ten ways to make a woman orgasm?”
Harry looked down at his hand and then back at Voldemort. Then back at his hand. Then back at Voldemort.
“Maybe.”
“What does it say to do if you are trying to have sex with a snake?” Voldemort asked.
“What?” asked Harry.
Voldemort scratched the back of his head, clearly embarrassed.
“What am I supposed to do if I’m having sex with a snake?” He said finally.
“EWWWW!” The kids shouted in unison.
“Oh shut up,” Voldemort said in exasperation, “She used to be a human.”
“Bloody Hell,” said Ronald.
Harry set the magazine back on the table, and the three of them got to reading. Hermione continued to look on from behind them.
Harry pointed to number three,
“Look, it says to not be afraid to get your hands dirty,” he said. Voldemort chuckled,
“Don’t worry, my hand’s have gotten plenty dirty.”
“Bloody Hell,” said Ronald.
They spent the entire rest of the night poring over the text. When the sun finally crested the horizon the next morning, they all felt confident in their sexual abilities.
“I better be getting going.” Voldemort said to the two.
Harry shook his hand as Voldemort walked towards the gaping hole in the Gryffindor common room.
“I hope you’ll know what to do with this hand now!” Harry said to Voldemort.
Voldemort laughed as they shook.
“I hope you do well on your date,” Voldemort said with a smile, “by the way, who’s it with?”
“Oh, Ginny… she’s that girl you mind-controlled and tortured a few years ago?” Harry replied.
“Oh, right… right.” Voldemort replied awkwardly before continuing, “Well I hope she’s pure blood!”
Harry and Voldemort shared a laugh as Ronald looked at them, beet red with anger. Voldemort teleported away.
“Bloody Hell,” Ronald said in astonishment.
The two continued to browse the magazine a bit longer before deciding to head to class.
“Have fun with Ginny tonight,” Ronald said.
“Oh, I will.” Harry said with a grin, “But not as much fun as she’s going to have.”
The two shook hands and went to class.
Hermione, who’d been there the whole time, shivered with palpable discomfort.
“What the fuck is wrong with men?”
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