Nature is in shambles, and people keep disagreeing on why. My personal hypothesis sits with the fact that people just don’t respect nature anymore. I’ve decided it’s up to me to change that. You may be wondering how I can succeed where so many scientists, conservationists, activists, or any other “ist” with actual qualifications have failed.
The answer came to me as I was lost in the forest, nibbling on nuts and berries to stave off hunger-fueled madness. At the peak of my delirium, I looked up and saw a squirrel regarding me from a nearby tree branch, and I recognized just how ordinary it looked, how boring. At that very moment, I realized what nature needs the most: fantastic style.
Since I came to this lightbulb discovery, I have made it my mission to tailor-make and dress my local fauna in fashionable outfits. Where once a rat was a creature to be despised and shunned, now, equipped with a top hat and monocle, is the epitome of classiness. With this tasteful change in apparel, ne’er-do-wells will think twice before throwing their litter onto the floor of such high-class forest denizens.
Talk is cheap however, the real question is: do I have the hard evidence to show my solution is actually working?
The answer to that question is no. However, I will not be deterred!
Behind every great plan is a determined individual, who will not be stopped over a handful of squirrel scratches without results. And I definitely fit that bill; I have gotten the rabies shot over 9 times in the past month, and I won’t stop until I personally outfit each and every one of the soon-to-be beautiful creatures residing in my nearest forest.
Either that or until I actually get rabies.
Sure, maybe I could be making a more “meaningful” or “positive” impact on the environment, or society, however, I rest easy each and every night knowing there is a gopher somewhere out there, dressed to the nines with the confidence to match.
So next time you think about throwing your empty Starbucks cup out the window of your Toyota corolla, remember that there could be a positively dapper raccoon who would be rather displeased with such improper conduct.
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