Hoops

“Did you see Blackbeard yesterday?” I hear from a pirate passing by. Its Flanagan, the ship’s gossipmonger, talking to O’Henry, the ship’s rumormonger. I’m lying in between some barrels of mead, getting some rest after my recent flogging. I get up sneakily and creep after them. This information could be important. 

“No.” O’Henry says. 

“Well,” Flangan says and then he leans in conspiratorially, “I heard the captain was rocking a new set of earrings.” 

“No.” O’Henry demures. 

“Yes.” Flanagan replies. They continue on around the bend. I hang back, stunned into a moronic stupor. 

The captain was wearing new earrings. That could only mean one thing. The catty bitch had stolen them from the first mate. 

Hold on, let me back track. 

So about three weeks ago we had been looting and pillaging along the equator when we came upon this cute little fishing town. Immediately the first mate was like super keen on going there to rape and pillage. 

“I just know they’ll have good shops to steal from,” he’d insisted to Blackbeard, “they might even have some good grog mugs you could find.” That had gotten Blackbeard’s attention. He’d gotten drunk on some rum gifted to him by another pirate, Morgan something, and had thrown his mug overboard. He said he had done it as a joke. But we all knew otherwise. 

Blackbeard got super insecure about it; He wouldn’t talk to some of us for a long time. And he threw a guy into the ocean with an anchor tied to his feet. 

So anyway, Blackbeard was convinced to go raid this town, and it was such a good decision! We all had so much fun! We burned the whole place down and took all their valuables. My friend Leroy got stabbed in the gut. 

But the most important part of the night was when the first mate, Bruno, scored this awesome pair of golden hoop earrings off of the corpse of some lady. I didn’t actually care for them very much; they seemed a little ostentacious. Like we get it, you’re a pirate. But Blackbeard seemed like he liked them. 

Like really liked them. 

Nothing happened at first. Bruno wore his new earrings all around and everybody complimented him a bunch. 

“Wow Bruno, those things are so nice!”

“Bruno when you wear those you don’t even notice the scurvy!”

“I implicitly trust any man that has fancy jewelry, Bruno you should be captain”

“Bruno you lady-killer.”

Now that last one may not have been about the earrings, Bruno was actually quite infamous for killing women, but it didn’t matter to Blackbeard. That guy may seem like a nonchalant kind of guy, but in reality, the man knows how to hold a grudge. How else do you become the pirate king of the seven seas? 

So, one day, out of the blue, Bruno comes screaming out of his quarters, “Who in the bloody hell took my damn earrings!” 

Nobody confessed because one, nobody was stupid enough to steal from Bruno, and two, a month before Blackbeard and Bruno had cut out most of our tongues. They said it was punishment for something, but we were all pretty sure it was because they didn’t want us talking about them behind their backs. 

Anyways we’re all just staring at him like what? And then he gets all flustered and storms off. Supposedly Blackbeard talked him down. They had gotten drunk the night before, so Blackbeard had told Bruno he’d probably thrown them overboard by accident.

And the dumb bitch bought it. 

I would have told him, I think. Bruno had always been kind to me. Once he let me pillage an orphanage all by himself. But I didn’t have a tongue, so oh well. 

Anyway, it was back to normal for a while, until the night decided to wear the earrings. None of us slept that night. But it wasn’t till morning when Bruno found out. 

“You Bitch.”

I heard it from the other side of the ship and sprinted over. By the time I had arrived there was already a crowd around the two. 

“Don’t call me that. Slut.” Blackbeard responds. A few gasped around the ring. Others gargled (no tongues). 

Bruno’s eyes narrow, “How dare you take those hoops from me, you explicitly knew I liked them.” 

Blackbeard turns away from Bruno, then begins to speak; “Face it Bruno, they just look better on me.” 

I think the crisis could have been averted before that. But after, we all knew there was no going back. 

Bruno charged at Blackbeard’s back; sword raised. Blackbeard signaled to the crowd and Flanagan and O’Henry grabbed Bruno, restraining him. No wonder they’d gotten to keep their tongues. 

Blackbeard had Bruno left on a deserted island. He said all of his friends could stay with him if they wanted. Nobody stayed. As a last dig at Bruno, Blackbeard tossed the earrings to him. Said he didn’t care about them anyways. 

Nobody talks about Bruno anymore. Or the earrings. The saddest part of it all was that the earrings truly did look better on Blackbeard.