Journalism

I have been reporting breaking news for the last twenty years, I achieved my masters in journalism at the esteemed university of Dartmouth, and am widely accepted as one of the premier journalists in the country. 

I am here in the Middle East currently following pop sensation Sabrina Carpenter on the latest stretch of her world tour. 

She has had a blowout tour and we at the news all felt that this was of the utmost importance to report on. 

One might ask, aren’t there more important things happening in the world right now? 

They might point to one of the several wars being experienced throughout the world, or the fight for democracy, or maybe even ask to hear about something that hasn’t been shown to them yet. 

I would say no. 

The other day I was in Baghdad and I saw a child cut in half by shrapnel. I watched as her family rushed her to the hospital, but they kept dropping different halves of her. There I was, watching this scene from the back of my HUMVEE and all I could think about was what Sabrina is doing right now?

Plus I was pretty grossed out, so I left that bummer of a situation, and I figured out where Sabrina was going and I followed her to where we are now. 

Thank God I did too, because it is way more fun than being in like, warzones and stuff. I don’t get why more reporters don’t do this. I just walk around behind Sabrina and just kind of report on whatever she’s doing. Like, did you know Sabrina had a long night last night? She drank some hard kombucha and then was hungover in the morning. 

Isn’t that crazy? Thank God I can finally report on things the American populous actually cares about. 

Also, she was sad during Covid. Like Whaaaat?? 

Sometimes, I just make shit up about Sabrina if I get bored. Like a journalist buddy said I was spineless because I am afraid of reporting on real news, so I just started to connect Sabrina’s words to modern issues. 

In reality, I don’t even think she knows about AI or rent control. She just flies around on a private jet and sings the same song about sucking dicks over and over. 

OK, I’m going to try and connect my latest story to something. Sabrina said… I think she said something about… uhhhh… 

Abortions! That’s right, Sabrina is either for or against abortions.

I have to be honest I haven’t asked her or really done any digging about whether she’s even aware that’s an issue in the U.S. 

Maybe I’ll ask her. 

But I’ll probably just watch her for a little while and then try and hook up with one of the groupies, a lot of really hot guys that are really into her and probably one of them at least bisexual. 

Oh yeah this is Anderson Cooper by the way. Hey, let me know how that election goes back in the US. Or not. 

But, Honestly, if it isn’t about Sabrina Carpenter, I’ll probably just tune it out. 

Alrighty then, 

Back to you, Lester.