Laying Mantis

Gregory is a Praying Mantis. He is average-looking for a mantis, maybe a bit below average if we’re being honest. He’s lacking in intelligence and seriously lacking in athleticism. Gregory has three friends, Harry, Phillip, and Fank (Fank is a wasp). These three are all similarly lacking in the aforementioned categories. In addition, they are, Gregory included, involuntary celibates. 

They try not to let it get to them, but anybody with even a splash of ability in reading praying mantis’ emotions can tell how much it bothers them. Fank is harder to be sure, but I assume he is put similarly out by the whole thing. 

“Who needs girls?” Gregory asked his friends one day. They all looked at each other, and then back at Gregory’

“Well, I’d like a girlfriend,” Philip said. Harry nodded miserably next to him. Fank stared. But there was a moroseness in the way he looked at them. 

“What for?” Gregory asked in a yell, “Women are the death of us.”

“That’s just what you say,” Harry said. “Just admit you are as lonely as all the rest of us.” 

“No, Harry, women literally bite off our heads once they mate with us,” Gregory said, defensively. The reasoning made so much sense, that Gregory almost believed it.

“I knew you’d bring it back to some toxic masculinity sexist bullshit Greg, and I don’t want to hear it,” Phillip said, then he got up to go. Harry got up with him. Greg called after the pair, but they ignored him. 

“At least you understand,” Greg said to Fank. Fank did not respond. Greg was not sure that Fank actually understood, but he didn’t want to feel alone.

Greg often felt alone. 

He had never had very many friends, but when people started coupling up, more and more people vanished from his life. Consumed by their relationships. Literally. 

Now all he had was Phillip and Harry. And Fank, of course. They didn’t have much in common besides the fact that they were all virgins. And it seemed like even that might be a point of contention eventually.

Gregory was confident he was making the right choice. Or he was pretty sure. Kind of. I mean he thought about it all the time. And constantly imagined having a girlfriend. But he didn’t have one, so it must have been for the best. 

Gregory went to bed alone. Convincing himself he didn’t want to think about girl mantises. 

Gregory woke the next morning and went about his daily routine. Basking in the sun, drinking from a raindrop puddle. He even scraped his arms together really fast for two hours. All in all, a very productive day. After all of that, Gregory went to the hangout spot in good spirits, the malaise of the day before washed away. 

Gregory waited for a bit. Soon enough, Fank came floating ponderously in. Gregory nodded affably to him. Fank said nothing. 

Gregory waited for a bit more. 

Nobody came. 

Well Fank was there but that barely counted. It’s not like Gregory didn’t like Fank, it was just hard to spend time with the guy. Not in a racist way or anything, Fank was just different. Again, not in a racist way. That should be emphasized. Gregory was a loser, not a racist.

Greg went over to Harry’s house. It was empty. That didn’t really shock Gregory, the place was a shit hole. But Harry didn’t have that much going on in his life (he barely ever scratched his arms together) so Gregory was confused about where he could be. He shrugged his shoulders and walked to Phillip’s condo. 

Phillip was there. He was crying on the couch. 

“What’s wrong?” Gregory asked, moving beside him. Fank hovered nearby. 

“Harry’s gone.” Phillip sobbed. 

Gregory blanched. 

“Got a girlfriend?” he asked. Phillip nodded. 

Gregory rubbed the back of Phillip’s thorax in condolence. He’d never liked Harry too much, but he was one of the only friends he had. Gregory felt a well of emotions inside him, some made more sense than others. 

Sadness sure. Anger, of course. But strangely enough, right in the midst of them, he felt a well of jealousy towards Harry. 

How in the world had that guy gotten a woman to sleep with him? The guy was a loser. He sat around all day doing nothing, and his antennae was probably shorter than Gregory’s. Gregory’s definitely had more girth. 

Gregory tried not to let the whole thing get to him. He reminded himself that he didn’t want a girlfriend in the first place. It didn’t help much. 

Gregory went home with many thoughts in his mind. Chiefly about women. He also thought about Harry, but definitely not as much as he should have. I mean the guy had three friends and one of them dies and all he can think about is getting laid?  I know I’m writing this and control the narrative and all, but you’d think that this mantis would show a bit more sadness about the death of his closest friend. That’s just me though. 

That night, Phillip died. 

I’d go through how Gregory found out, but to be completely honest, it’s pretty much a retelling of how Harry died, and you just read that. So, imagine the Harry story and replace the Harry with Phillip. Oh, and Phillip lived in a condo, not an apartment. Fank was there too, but he got stuck on a tennis ball halfway through. 

Besides that, the only difference was that nobody cried for Phillip.

Gregory laid in his bed. Once again, thinking about women. How the hell had those two idiots even managed to meet a girl? Again, I want to note how Gregory is talking about his RECENTLY deceased best friends. 

 Gregory awoke in a jolt of passionate fury. He looked outside, it wasn’t morning. No, it was night. Gregory decided to take a walk to calm his racing nerves. The night air was brisk. Gregory stopped for a bit to scrape his arms together. As he did, a phosphorescent light in the corner of his vision caught his attention. 

He walked closer to it, almost in a daze. As he grew closer, the letters became clearer. 

“Mantis, Mantis, Mantis,” it read, with a suggestively posed female mantis arching her vertebrae over the words. 

Gregory stood in front of the doorway inside. Sounds of revelry echoed out. Occasionally the sound of chomping filed out as well. 

Another mantis scuttled out of the building towards Gregory.

“One hundred dollars for thirty minutes,” the stranger said. Gregory looked at the guy. 

“It costs one hundred?” 

The guy looked at Gregory with an unreadable expression. 

“No, we will pay you one hundred,” he said in monotone. 

Gregory knew a good deal when he saw one. He paid for a ticket and hurried inside. Immediately, the most gorgeous mantis he’d ever seen approached him. 

“Follow me,” she said, walking towards a room covered by a curtain. She had a strange accent. 

“Where are you from?” asked Gregory, also noticing an accent, however failing to pick up on the lines of blood staining her pincers. 

“Siberia,” she responded. 

“How far is that?” Gregory asked. He was trying to build a rapport. He thought it would make him feel better about the whole thing. Maybe make him feel a bit more comfortable.

“No more questions.” The lady mantis said. Gregory shut his mouth. 

Gregory stood in the room awkwardly. The female mantis looked at him. 

They began to mate. Immediately, Gregory realized how wrong he had been his whole life. This was the single greatest moment he had ever experienced. He shouted in ecstasy. 

He looked at the other mantis. 

“I love you,” he said. 

She just opened her mouth and leaned in. 

“Wow, you sure can open your mouth wide. He-he”

…

“Hey wait a minute. Woah, woah, woah, not around the neck lady… Aaabgnergn–”

So that’s how Gregory died. Oh, and Fank never got unstuck from the tennis ball so he’s probably a goner too. I’m not sure though, I’ve never really been super interested in wasps.