Mayoral Memo 1 (01/02):
Greetings town’s people, thank you all for coming to my inauguration speech, that was a lot of fun. I cannot tell you how excited I am to begin my tenure as this great town’s mayor.
Cheers,
Mayor Sampson
Mayoral Memo 2 (02/07):
I am glad everyone in this town feels so comfortable with me as their new mayor! It truly is a blessing. However, I would like to remind certain individuals to maintain proper conduct within the town.
Pleasant Regards,
Mayor Sampson
Mayoral Memo 3 (02/23):
It is my most strident goal to maintain a pleasant working relationship with the town and its beautiful inhabitants. However I must protest certain behaviors that are nothing short of unnatural. This is not the work of the majority of the town and does not represent its overarching wishes. Instead, it is the work of a small minority, namely one man, who’s goal appears to be ruining the pleasant nature of the town. It will not be long before I will be forced to take action. I will remind you all (even though we all know only one man needs the reminder) that public nudity is not only frowned upon, but a crime.
Warningly,
Mayor Sampson
Mayoral Memo 4 (02/24)
It is with a heavy heart that I must declare that the nude rogue who tormented our town had been apprehended and subsequently tossed in the darkest of jail cells. We had all hoped to reason with him, however he remained incorrigible. Tomfoolery will not be permitted in my town while I am its humble mayor.
Resolutely,
Mayor Sampson
Mayoral Memo 5 (02/28)
Whoever aided Ernie Feebler in his escape from the jail last night will be thrown into the stockade alongside the nude fiend. I will not allow this chaos to run amuck in my town. Have no fear, Feebler will be caught again shortly.
Fearlessly,
Mayor Sampson.
Mayoral Memo 6 (03/01)
Who gave Ernie the keys to my office? That man did unspeakable things to my coffee mug. I won’t go into too much detail now, but whoever did this WILL be held fiscally responsible for the rash cream my doctor said I need to purchase.
Indignantly,
Mayor Sampson.
Mayoral Memo 7 (03/15)
Ernie Feebler took a shit on my car windshield last night and I want to know why. No, I know it wasn’t a fucking animal because the window still has imprints from his ass cheeks. He also left a note stuffed inside the shit. I think he may have eaten the note and shit it out. All it said was “Ernie got hemorrhoids.”
Through Voice Text,
Mayor Sampson.
Mayoral Memo 8 (03/15)
I was wearing gloves when I picked the note up obviously.
Cleanly,
Mayor Sampson.
Mayoral Memo 9 (03/28)
It looks as though we are finally free from the insidious naked caper. I am not completely sure why he has fled our town, but I am happy he has. I believe that no small part of his absconsion is been due to the pressure I had levied upon him, and for that, I will humbly accept your gratitude and congratulations that I am sure you are feeling in your hearts. Oh, there is a knock at my door, probably one of you coming to thank me.
What strange clothes this silhouette has. Wait a minute, he’s not wearing any clothes. What’s that strange baseball bat-looking object in his hands? Oh no.
Help Me,
Mayor Sampson.
Mayoral Memo 10 (03/29):
Ernie Feebler speaking; I have captured your precious mayor and am currently tickling him with a peregrine falcon’s feather. The man is already red in the face, and it will only get worse from here. If I am not immediately pardoned and crowned the next mayor, I will torture this man beyond recognition.
Cheers,
Ernie Feebler.
Mayoral Memo 11 (04/13):
Why isn’t anyone responding?
Ernie.
Mayoral Memo 12 (04/27):
I have now gathered that nobody reads these things. Darn. Anyways, I accidentally killed Mayor Sampson, turns out he’s allergic to feathers! What a nut right? I guess I’ll just run for mayor normally then. My number one issue will probably be legalizing public nudity. Let me know if you’re interested in that sort of thing.
Nakedly,
Future Mayor Ernie Feebler.
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