My name is Drago Von Helesmut. I am greatest hunter in Bavaria. I have hunted all dangerous beast and man. None have escaped me, Drago Von Helesmut. None but Keebler elf.
I hunt Ernie the Keebler elf to small town at edge of South America. I not have any such species in my collection, so I keen to add rare prize. I arrive just after Keebler. I have been tracking him for many months now, but this is perfect location. I not think much of the elf. He very small. Teeth are not sharp.
He make no effort to hide himself. In fact he spend most time in town frollicking with children. So say children of town.
They love Keebler, they say he bring good luck to the town. I feel slightly sorry for these children; the next time they see Ernie, his head will be hanging from my belt.
They say elf walk into rainforest; “He go to collect coco butter to make delicious fig nuget,” they say.
I follow after the elf.
His tracks are easy to follow.
I so excited to catch my prize I never stop to think about how easy they are to track. Not unil the tracks vanish.
For many miles they walk, clearly, straight line. Perfect indentation. Then they enter a clearing in forest and are gone. Vanish. No trace.
I look around for new set, but find nothing. In fact, I not even find old tracks. I am now lost in forest.
I realize perhaps I am not hunter anymore, but the hunted.
“Aww shucks,” I hear over my shoulder. It is little more than whisper, but in the silence of forest it is loud as thunderclap.
I turn at the sound.
“WHO GOES THERE?!” I yell, brandishing my spear.
Silence answers me.
“SHOW YOURSELF ELF!” I yell, “show yourself.”
Shadows grow longer around me. The smell of cookies fill the air. A feeling rises in my stomach which I never have known before. I realize it to be fear.
“Would you like a cookie?” the darkness asks. It is both human and not. Like a grandfather who is both eternally old but yet knows no age at all. A dark, terrible voice.
I drop my spear and fun from this clearing. Run for life.
I escape with mine. I travel back to Bavaria. I am famous there. Big family. Many wives.
Instead of family I find death.
They are hunched around dinner table with horrible smile on faces.
I open one mouth and smell assaults me.
Smell of cookies.
I run from house. Run from Bavaria.
But man can only run so far. I know Ernie Keebler Elf will find me.
I have readied new house for when he find me. Study hilarious and informative Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.
But I know it long shot. Keebler elf too strong in dark magic. That is why I tell you this.
If you smell cookies; run.
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