My name is Aclypiatos, I live in ancient Greece with my mother.
My brother’s name is Olympiados, he does not live with us.
I do not like Olympiados.
It started when I invented my first sport. I saw people running after a feral hog and I thought, hmm, those guys are fast, but I bet I’m faster, we should all race. So I created the first race so that I could be the fastest man in the world. But then all of a sudden Olympiados decides that he should run too, which is so typical of him. Anyways, we raced and he won so now he’s the fastest.
People always say Olympiados is so special because he is so good at everything. I heard somebody say they thought his father had been a god disguised as a donkey. I don’t think he’s that great. My mother does love our donkey though.
I’m getting off track.
After the race I realized that running is stupid anyway, too simple; So, I thought, okay Aclypiatos, since running is so lame, let’s spice it up. Then I saw a man jump over a feral hog as he was running, and another idea hit me like one of Zeus’ thunderbolts. Or a feral hog.
A race but you have to jump over something or maybe even somethings. People didn’t seem as interested in this one as the first race, so I had to give it a new name to get people excited. I named it “hurdles” because nobody had thought of that word yet.
You have to run around in a circle like in running, but this time you have to jump over stuff on the way back to the start. I made some women sit on the track to be the hurdles.
I tried to set up the event without my brother hearing about it, but somehow he caught wind and showed up, and once again he won. It was so stupid. My mother even tied these leaves together to make him a crown. I think he looks stupid. Wouldn’t have killed her to make me one though.
I thought about it and realized that maybe cardio wasn’t my scene, so I decided to branch out into a different kind of contest.
I just had to figure out what.
I saw somebody throw his spear at a hog that was mating in his dining room and I was like, I’m pretty strong, I can definitely throw a spear farther than anyone else. And then someone told me they were called “javelins,” so I named the event that.
And then Olympiados showed up again and we all threw our spears. And guess who won?
It is so stupid. Olympiados doesn’t even work out. He just hangs out with Socrates and talks about the failing republic. He doesn’t do any of the manly stuff I do, yet everyone thinks he is sooooo great. Especially mom. I honestly cannot understand how he is so good at everything. I hope he gets the plague.
I tried to make another event where everyone throws a disc. I was going to call it Frisbee but then Olympiados came up behind me and called it “discus,” which everyone said was sooo smart. I hated the name so much that I didn’t even try to compete. Olympiados won anyway.
I was walking down the hill to watch the weekly sacrifice when all of a sudden, I just picked up this big rock and threw it as far as I could. But I didn’t throw it like usual, I threw it in this weird technical way which definitely has to be better since it hurt way more, and then I got a great idea. This time it felt like a million of Zeus’s lightning bolts hit me. I don’t know how to compute that into feral hogs.
The next day I gathered as many athletes as I possibly could. Of course, Olympiados showed up, but this time I wanted him there.
“Today we will be doing shot put,” I said, “This is the most important event I have ever made.” Somebody asked me what shot put meant, but since I didn’t know either I just waved him off and got ready to show everyone my special technique.
I picked up the rock, squared my shoulders, threw out my back, and twisted my hips. I heaved the rock as far as I could. It thudded into the ground seven feet in front of me. I turned back to the audience, expecting applause.
Turns out everyone had left halfway through my demonstration. Everyone but Olympiados.
Olympiados walked up after me and grabbed a rock, which just so happened to be much bigger than mine but that’s beside the point. He gathered it back, took a half step and FLUNG it into the air. It soared clear over mine before it rolled to a stop.
“Ha!” Olympiados shouted smiling, “I have won yet again!”
“Nope,” I said, “That wasn’t proper technique.”
“Yes, it was!” He shouted back at me.
“Nope.” I smiled back, the trap had been set.
So, Olympiados grabbed an even larger rock and went through the motions once again.
This time, the rock flew even farther, sailing over the edge of the field. Red-faced, Olympiados turned to me once again panting and shouted,
“How about now!”
“Bad technique.”
Olympiados proceeded to scavenge the clearing for whatever rock he could find. And I would proceed to find some sort of technical failure in his throw. This went on for some time.
Finally, Olympiados grabbed the last rock he could possibly find, which was in fact a boulder, squared his shoulders, leaned down, threw out his back, and pulled. His muscles snapped and his sinews popped as he struggled to lift it, when suddenly the boulder launched into the air. It soared higher and higher before it vanished into the sun.
Olympiados collapsed into the dirt muttering,
“That had to be right.”
I crouched down beside his wrecked body and whispered in his ear,
“You forgot to spin at the waist.”
So now I am the greatest athlete in Greece. I even made a big event where everyone competes in the games I invented. I always win. I even added a couple more games, filled with lots of important techniques and chances for disqualification. Just in case there’s ever another athlete like Olympiados. I named the whole thing after Olympiados because I am a great brother. Too bad Olympiados destroyed his body in that dumb shot put game.
Well… not that bad.
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